This week, Boston.com shared a photo of a seal and a seagull swimming next to each other on Facebook. I guessed they were talking about sharks. Here’s their entire dialogue, as I imagine it.
Seagull: Hey man.
Seagull: Nice day to go through people’s picnic lunches and scatter the fillings in their sandwiches all over the beach, isn’t it?
Seal: I guess. I’m more of a lay on the rocks and sun myself kind of guy.
Seagull: Whatever. The joy of watching a human go pick up a slice of bologna coated in a layer of sand is almost as delicious as eating that bologna.
Seal: Is bologna a fish?
Seagull: I don’t know what the hell it is. I just like eating it.
Seal: Is it better than fish?
Seagull: Dude. I don’t give a crap what it tastes like. I just like that as long as I beat the other suckers on the beach, I can gulp it down in no time. Fishing takes work. Picking off humans is easy.
Seal: Humans are dirty.
Seal: They lay around on the sand. It gets all over them. Laying on the rocks is better. Less sand in your mouth that way.
Seagull: Less fuckin’ sharks on sand, though.
Seal: BITE YOUR TONGUE.
Seagull: I don’t have teeth.
Seal: DO NOT SPEAK OF THE SHARK.
Seagull: Why? What’s wrong with a shark? I can just fly away when it gets close.
Seal: Do I LOOK like I can just haul my ass out of the ocean when I see a shark come by?
Seagull: I kind of like ’em. They leave leftovers I can pick at when they’re done.
Seal: Man, the hell with you. My best friend got eaten by a shark. What would you say if your best friend got eaten by a shark?
Seagull: More bologna for me on the beach.
Seal: You’re a monster. Good day, sir. I hope you get sucked into a windfarm.