Seal and Shark Aren’t Friends

This week, Boston.com shared a photo of a seal and a seagull swimming next to each other on Facebook. I guessed they were talking about sharks. Here’s their entire dialogue, as I imagine it.

Seagull: Hey man.

Seal: Sup?

Seagull: Nice day to go through people’s picnic lunches and scatter the fillings in their sandwiches all over the beach, isn’t it?

Seal: I guess. I’m more of a lay on the rocks and sun myself kind of guy.

Seagull: Whatever. The joy of watching a human go pick up a slice of bologna coated in a layer of sand is almost as delicious as eating that bologna.

Seal: Is bologna a fish?

Seagull: I don’t know what the hell it is. I just like eating it.

Seal: Is it better than fish?

Seagull: Dude. I don’t give a crap what it tastes like. I just like that as long as I beat the other suckers on the beach, I can gulp it down in no time. Fishing takes work. Picking off humans is easy.

Seal: Humans are dirty.

Seagull: What?

Seal: They lay around on the sand. It gets all over them. Laying on the rocks is better. Less sand in your mouth that way.

Seagull: Less fuckin’ sharks on sand, though.

Seal: BITE YOUR TONGUE.

Seagull: I don’t have teeth.

Seal: DO NOT SPEAK OF THE SHARK.

Seagull: Why? What’s wrong with a shark? I can just fly away when it gets close.

Seal: Do I LOOK like I can just haul my ass out of the ocean when I see a shark come by?

Seagull: I kind of like ’em. They leave leftovers I can pick at when they’re done.

Seal: Man, the hell with you. My best friend got eaten by a shark. What would you say if your best friend got eaten by a shark?

Seagull: More bologna for me on the beach.

Seal: You’re a monster. Good day, sir. I hope you get sucked into a windfarm.

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